I've Got 156.2 Problems.......

What.

The.

FRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!?!??!!?!!?!!?!!?

156.2.

Again.

How? Wha? But...  Just.   Gah!!!!

What did I DO to deserve this?!??!?
 

How can this seriously be happening?!?!??  I have literally not cheated at all.  AT ALL.

At.
All.

I am a woman on a time clock!  Tomorrow is the stupid Week 2 Progress Report and I am going to be signing in to report NOTHING.

Hey! Body! What gives?!?!  It's WEDNESDAY.

 

Not gonna lie....nothing sucks a lot more than dieting, except maybe DIETING FOR SEEMINGLY NO FREAKIN' REASON.

 

Ya know what actually IS down?  Readership.  Cuz, hey, go figure: no one wants to read a weight loss blog written by a person who doesn't freakin' lose weight.

 

 

Stunning Correlation Between Success and Readership

I have a plan for today.  I am going to drink a ton of water and eat more fiber than anyone in the world ever has. And I am going to cross my dainty little fingers and hope that tomorrow shows some movement on the scale.  OR ELSE!

Danaram

Day 6......still 156.2.

I believe at this point that I've gotten my cultural holidays mixed up. A Half Hannukah lasts 4 days and this situation has lasted decidedly longer than that.  This is not a Half Hannukah.

This......is Danaram.

"Dana-what?" you ask? 

Well, Danaram is the opposite of the Islamic month of Ramadan.  You see, during Ramadan, you're supposed to fast for a whole bunch of spiritual reasons.  The result is that, in theory, you probably actually lose weight.*  

Fasting......definitely not something this blogger will ever try.

During Danaram, however, you live a hedonistic lifestyle and as a result you see absolutely no weight loss whatsoever. You might even gain some!


Yup, Danaram is what this is, and Danaram officially is "the suck." (Except as much as it sucks, it's a really fun word to say....like as in, "Danaram, girl! Put down the pork chops already!!!")

The absolute worst part of Danaram is that I haven't even been that bad! I've stuck to my 1300 calories a day plan with the exception of the stupid wine-trickery on Saturday, and even I know that there's no way that 450 extra calories once is going to completely derail the plan. 

For now, I will continue to be steadfast in my ways and hopefully I will someday meet my reward. 



* Now that I've blasphemed at least two major world religions on this blog, I should probably take a moment to say that I mean no disrespect to anyone or to any belief systems.  I love all religions equally...unless of course someone starts a new religion called "The Church of the Holy 156.2".....I'm pretty sure I'd hate those assholes.  

Well, That Backfired

Okay....so I thought I'd take a lesson from the past and end my Half-Hannukah by having a whole 'lotta wine.

I carefully monitored my calories during the day to ensure that even though I was going over my usual number (1300) I wouldn't gain weight if "every day was like today."  The final count was 1750.  I thought I was golden.....

Until the freakin' scale remained at 156.2 this morning......and then jumped up to 157 once I had some much-needed water.

So the lesson: cheating seldom pays....even if it did that time last September.

I'll get right back on track today and just hope that by the Week 2 Progress Report things have gotten back to normal.

But for now, the Half-Hannukuh continues.  Shalom.

Deja Vu All Over Again......Oy.

So on Thursday's Weekly Progress Report, I weighed in at 156.2; a 4.4 pound loss! I was totally excited to have such a strong first week's showing.  But I started to mentally prepare myself for the fact that such a pace is completely unsustainable and probably just "beginner's luck" or something.

So I wasn't too surprised when I remained at 156.2 on Friday....and then again this morning. 

And just as I began to get frustrated, I suddenly got this strange feeling that this has all happened once before. 

Side bar....if you don't know what this gif is referring to, go to You Tube and search for "David After  Dentist" IMMEDIATELY. You're welcome.

So I went back to the beginning of the blog and began re-reading entries from last September.  And, I'll be damned, this weight--156.2--was the exact same weight that wouldn't budge during last fall's Half Hannukah  (ya know, that time when the weight that was supposed to last for just 1 night lasted for four whole nights.....The Festival of Weights....)

The Progress trackers from My Fitness Pal don't lie....and they look almost completely identical. 

Today

September 2012

So the good news is that if history is just going to repeat itself, I will shake this Half Hannukah in the next day or so (most likely after a boozey night in which I become so dehydrated that the stubborn scale finally tips downward....And hey, today is Saturday....so maybe this is my night!) and still see a net loss for next week's progress report.

The bad news is that if history truly repeats itself, I will completely give up on this blog in about 6 weeks.  

At least this time I have the Big Carrot to look keep me motivated.   In just the last 24 hours the Big Carrot has single handedly helped me avoid a pizza bender and a late-night alfredo binge......the force is strong with the Big Carrot.

Lesson of the day: learn from the past (don't freak out about this momentary lag in weight-loss momentum) and change the future (don't give up like a big baby after losing 11 pounds).   Good plan.

The Big Carrot

So last night, The H and I were sitting around watching some TV, when The H decided to order Papa John's pizza for his dinner.

Gulp. 

Some of you might not know this, but there are about 3 foods in the world that I cannot resist...like, ever.  

1) Without a doubt, Fettucini Alfredo.  In fact, I love this dish so much that I try to make a point to not eat it (or anything slightly resembling it) while I am dieting because just having one bite of it makes me crave it for weeks.  I call it a "trigger food" and it's basically off limits to me except for crazy-special events like my own birthday. 

2) Cheese....it doesn't really matter what kind; I am not sure I've ever met a cheese I don't like.  Fortunately, I can eat this in moderation without ruining my diet. 

3) And finally: Pizza.   Even crappy pizza is still pretty damn good.  So I was pretty nervous when The H decided to order Papa John's.  "But I'm still too fragile!" I thought as he began placing the online order.

I asked him to get me a thin-crust cheese pizza.  I dutifully went to My Fitness Pal and logged in the calories for one meager slice.....230.  I resolved myself to eat just this one pathetic slice and round the meal out with a salad.  

Which I did. 

But damn.....after having finished my plate-o-greens and my tiny little slice of pizza, I started eyeing the box which was still sitting there on the coffee-table in front of The H.

 I could still smell the garlicy sauce that comes with each Papa John's pie...

....I wanted another slice, bad. 

...Fuck I wanted the whole damn pizza.   

...Oh who am I kidding---I wanted 10.

I was about two seconds away from reaching for another slice when all of a sudden the phone rang. 

It was my mother. 

I don't know if the call was an incredibly freaky case of "mother's instinct" and she just knew that at that very moment I was in need of some parental guidance, or if it was just pure coincidence but she called to discuss, of all things, my diet. 

"I'd like to offer you a carrot," said the familiar and comforting voice on the other end of the phone. 

"A carrot?"  

"Yes......a carrot."

Somehow I knew she wasn't calling to offer me a root vegetable. 

"If your weight gets down to 126, our new address (my parents recently moved to 126 Anystreet, New Orleans, LA), I will....."

Are you ready for this?

Are ya?

ARE YOU??!?!

"....take you to New York City for a long weekend and we can see 3 Broadway shows.  Your pick."

Ummm, get down to 126 pounds and take at trip to NYC?!......YES PLEASE!!!!!!

"Do I have a time limit?"  I asked.

"Nope. As long as it takes.  Start researching shows you might want to see."

Ho.ly. Shit. Things just got real.     I love NYC.  I love the Broadway.  And I love my mamma.

Now I really have to stick to this.  I can't give up, not with an awesome trip to NYC on the line.

Now, I still stand by the fact that I want to do this in as much time as it takes.  But gosh, I couldn't help but calculate.....if I lose 1.5 pounds on average per week, it would be Christmas day when we're ready to book our trip.....

....I've always wanted to see New York in the spring......I am going to have to track down city correspondent Stefan to find out what this season's hottest clubs are.

From now on, this goal will be referred to as The Big Carrot.

And in case anyone was wondering, the next thing I did was immediately shove those menacing boxes of Papa John's in the fridge.   It ain't got shit on a slice of genuine NY style pizza anyway. =)

So now everyone really has to wish me luck.  My cultural development depends on it.

Oh, and mom.....I love you. =)

Week 1 Progress Report

 I've decided that one way to stop obsessing over tiny fluctuations from day to day would be to track my weight on a weekly basis.   Thursdays will be the day that I do these weekly progress reports.   Every week I will track my weekly net weight loss (or, God forbid, gains) and BMI.

I mean, I am still going to jump on the scale every day because it's fun, but as long as each week results in some weight loss, I won't beat myself up over upward fluctuations following days of indulgence.

This newfound laissez faire attitude I've adopted is the result of the moment of clarity I had with The H while we were Schwalking.

Anyway, without any further ado:  THE WEEK 1 PROGRESS REPORT

WEIGHT:  156.2
WEEKLY NET CHANGE:  4.4 lbs lost (holy shit!) 

Whoa. Not even I saw this one coming.

I probably shouldn't get used to this sort of weekly net loss....and even I am a little stunned by this, but dang it feels good.

BMI: 28.6
WTF THAT MEANS:  Overweight. 

Ehhh.....still not looking so hot.  

This was the biggest bummer of the day.   Not only am I overweight, I'm, like, pretty freakin' solidly overweight.  I did a little playing around and as of right this second, I still have to lose 20 pounds to be considered "normal" (whatever the heck that means). 

I figure that's as good a goal to have as any, though.  So if I lose 1.5 pounds a week I should be "normal" in about 13-14 weeks.   Hopefully, I will stick with the blog this time and 13 Thursdays from now I'll be braggin' to be "normal."   (I always promised myself that "normal" was something I would not aspire to be, but I think I can make an exception for this). 

IN SUMMARY:

Weeeeeee!  Best slide ever. 

Oz: The Great and Powerful

I've got big news to share!

I have a new boyfriend y'all. 

Yup. And I am not ashamed to admit it.....I just want to scream about this new relationship from a mountaintop.

We've been going on all kinds of dinner and lunch dates lately.   He's great: he's reliable, always available, and pretty easy on the eyes.  I mean, every once in a while our waiter suspects that he's into drugs, but I say we shouldn't judge a book by its cover.  

Ready to meet him?

(as if you haven't already guessed....)

Here goes:

Oz.  My new BFF.

Sigh..... I love Oz.  It started with just a simple glass of wine, but our relationship has steadily gotten more serious.  Foods that I used to shy away from simply because of the caloric uncertainty are now decidedly on the table.   Sure, I get some weird looks in restaurants when I start measuring the grams of my sushi rolls, or ounces of chicken breast, cheese, and salad dressing....but honestly, I don't care if my waiters think I am a complete nut job.  It allows me to confidently eat all sorts of things that used to make me nervous before.

 

My all time favorite date with Oz (so far) took me to a popular Vietnamese restaurant where I was able to determine, once and for all, exactly how many calories are in my favorite bowl of pho.   (An incredibly lean 290 calories were in my pho tai with 1.85 ounces of flank steak and 2.8 ounces of vermicelli noodles in case you were wondering).

Oz is life changing.

And the more I weigh things on this little food scale, the happier I am with my weigh-ins on the people-scale. 

Another 1/2 pound gone!

The one drawback (which I suppose I should have seen coming):  The H is not exactly fond of my new boyfriend.  In fact, I believe his exact words were, "Put that stupid thing away....you look absolutely ridiculous and the bartender is staring."

To that, I say this directly to you, my dear husband: 

No. Way.  Oz stays. Now run and tell that.