Week 22 Progress Report and Is This the End?

WEIGHT: 131.0

WEEKLY NET CHANGE: -2.2 lbs

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 30.8 lbs

Only 1 pound away from my original goal to "get to 130 in as long as it takes."   Only 5 pounds away from The Big Carrot (a fabulous trip to NYC with my mom if I reach her street address: 126 Chunkyway Drive).

BMI: 24.0 
WTF that means: Solidly in the "normal" range, but at the high end. 

Not to get too far ahead of myself (I do still have two goals to reach), but with the end so very much in sight, my thoughts have now started to turn towards what happens after reaching The Big Carrot (which I expect to happen in about 3 weeks).

The H recently asked me the very question that's been nagging me for a while now: "How much weight are you planning to lose?"

Good question.

So for starters, I looked at what the government defines as a healthy weight for someone my height.   It wasn't helpful.

Anything from 102-136 pounds is considered the normal range for someone my size.   I happen to have been almost every weight in that range, and based on that I know straight away that 102 isn't gonna happen.   The closest I was to 102 in my adult life was sophomore year of college when I tipped the scales at a very, very svelte 105 on a hungover day and 108 on a truly bloated day.

Looking at the photos from that time, I looked great, but it would be almost impossible to maintain.

I am very, very focused on trying to make whatever results I achieve this time around permanent.  I think it would be psychologically dangerous to get super tiny "just 'cuz" only to gain some back to get to a realistic "forever weight".....because once the gaining starts it is oh-so-easy to let it continue.

So I don't think anything under 110 will be the ultimate goal.  Too low. Too difficult to maintain permanently.

Then I considered splitting the normal range in half and aiming for that: 119.

But that just seems cruel.  The thought of some days waking up in the 110's and other days waking up in the 120's...well it's enough to make you crazy.   If I've learned one thing from this journey it's that these little mental tricks can make or break you.  For an able-bodied person, losing weight is definitely 90% mental and only 10% physical....and I don't have the mental strength to straddle two different "decades" of weight. On purpose. Forever.

So how do I choose that "perfect number" for my forever weight?

After a lot of reflecting, I finally came up with a cop-out solution: don't choose a number.  Don't pick a goal weight.   Just don't have one.

I want to be whatever I might weigh when I can work out for an hour most days of the week and enjoy what I eat.  It's what I've been doing for a while now.

I don't think I've really blogged much about it, but at some point I just stopped worrying about having decadent foods from time to time.   I have been enjoying pizza, cheese, chinese food, multi-course steak dinners, buffalo chicken, and--yes--even fettucini alfredo (granted, all in moderation).

And I am still losing.

I suppose that at some point I'll reach a plateau.  And I guess that'll be the "goal weight."  Maybe it'll be 126 after I reach the Big Carrot. Maybe it'll be 119. Maybe it'll be something else entirely.

It just seems stupid to fixate on a number. There will be days when my weight fluctuates and that's not something I can control. The only thing I can control is whether I am good about going to the gym and reasonable  in the times that I choose to splurge.

And that's what I am going to try to do.

Who knows.  Maybe after reaching 126 I will feel lost and listless without having another number in mind and I'll find it much harder to commit to working out and eating right.  And if that's the case, I'll come up with another goal to keep me in the game.  But, for now, I think the goal should simply be to keep doing what I am doing for a lifetime...whatever my weight may be.

It's a Christmas Miracle!

(This post really goes much better if you click on the audio clip above)

No, not that Christmas miracle.   THIS ONE:

THIRTY POUNDS GONE! 

The Big 3-0.

FINALLY.

God bless us, everyone!!!

Week 21 Progress Report and Lament of the Holidays

I was so cute.  I thought I could breeze through the work holidays without gaining an ounce.  "Heck, I might even lose some weight this week, " I thought.

Yeah......that didn't happen.  I tried to be good---honest, I did.  But then there was a Ruth's Chris lunch....and a company Christmas party complete with 4 courses of gloriousness, and then there was the work party hangover which only greasy goodness could cure.....

I be like.....

I slipped.  I admit it.   The damage: 

WEIGHT: 133.2

WEEKLY NET CHANGE:  +1.0 LB  (I guess it could have been worse). 

Total Weight Loss: -28.6 lbs. 

And to make matters worse, work is completely insane now which means longer hours which means it's going to be that much harder to get to the gym to undo the damage.   =( 

Ugh. 

Jiggle All The Way

It's here. 

The week I have been dreading since the beginning of this blog.

The most decadent and tempting week of the fiscal year. 

It's "Christmas week" at the office.

The office....

I've only been an office worker for 2 years now, but that is long enough to know that Christmas at an office is the most disgusting, secular, commercialized and gluttonous version of the celebration of Jesus's birth in the entire world (and that's coming from someone who would probably be struck by lightning the next time I step foot in a Church).

When I was in school, I never understood the people who got all bent out of shape about remembering the "Reason for the Season."  I'd leave my show choir rehearsal (which was always chockfull of Away in a Manger's and O Holy Night's) and think, "Uh, duh. Of course Jesus's birth is the reason for the season. Who said it wasn't? Could everyone just relax please?"

But then I graduated, got an office job, and quickly learned that the office world treats Christmas much differently than the rest of the world.

The rest of the world donates money and toys to charities to bring a little holiday cheer to those in need.  The office world wants to make sure your end-of-year reports have been submitted.  The rest of the world gathers with family and friends to sing carols in hopeful anticipation of the coming holiday. The office world reminds you that there's only two more weeks to make your end-of-year-quota. 

The rest of the world buys heartfelt gifts for the people they love to symbolize the greatest gift of all.   So what does the office world do to try to have a sense of occasion during this festive time of year? 

It eats.

Well, eats and foists a stupid Kris Kringle gift-exchange upon the entire staff during which everyone trades assorted $20.00 gift cards that no one actually wants (seriously....why can't we just all agree to keep the 20 bucks and skip the damn Kris Kringle?!)   But I digress.

You can't blame the office workers for the problem.  Everyone wants to do something special to mark the occasion, but there's no room for any of the beautiful things that truly make the holiday season great in an office. There's no room for joy, love, magic, and hope. 

But, I'll be dammed, there's room for multi-course lunches.

There's room for plates of snicker-doodles.

There's room for cakes and cookies.

There's room for candies.

There's room for cheese and deli meat platters.

There's room for those giant tins of popcorn never-quite-perfectly-separated into three different flavors.

And then, finally, the Pièce de résistance: there's room for the company Christmas party.



(I am convinced that no one in the world actually likes the company Christmas party.  Even if it's a lovely party, it's just awkward. Like.....on the one hand, there's a bar and a band and all the trappings of a really sweet time.  But on the other hand.....your boss is there. And your weird co-workers. And creepy Joe from the HR department. And the forced conversations......*shudders*).

But here we are. Smack dab in the middle of Christmas week 2013.  I've already had two very decadent lunches. I am starting to freak out. I don't want Christmas Week to take too great a toll on progress thus far, but I also don't want to be the office Grinch.

I will just have to work extra, extra hard on the treadmill this week. It's my only chance. Otherwise, I'll just be jiggling all the way to adult onset diabetes.

Week 20 Progress Report

Ahhh! I've had such a busy week with the holidays and end-of-year stuff at work that I haven't had time to update the blog! 

On Friday, I did a weigh-in as I always do. Here are the results: 

WEIGHT: 132.2

Weekly Net Change -3.0 lbs 

Total Weight Loss: 29.6 lbs

Half a pound away from a 30 pound "carrot."

Only 2.2 pounds away from my original goal of "130 in as long as it takes"

6.2 pounds away from The Big Carrot trip to NYC.

And 9 pounds away from my wedding weight. 

Forward, ho!!! (ho ho)

AHHHHH!

 Okay. So even though this completely contradicts my last post in which I insisted that there's nothing exciting about getting into the habit of this lifestyle change, I am completely stoked to report not one, but two  awesome (and unexpected) weigh-ins. 

The day after the weekly weigh in I decided to just check.




And I was very pleasantly surprised to see this number.



Then today, thoroughly convinced that 133.6 was a fluke, I decided to step on the scale again....just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

And HOLY THIS, Batman!!!






Do you know what this MEANS?!?!!?!?!?   I am a mere 0.2 pounds away from thirty pounds gone. That's, like, TWO overweight cats.

And! And!  I had to get new jeans yesterday because I was swimming in the 10's.   I am now a size 8 in pants.   Single digits!  Thank goodness for this cold snap because I am going to torch those 10's.  And! And! And!  I've dropped three bra sizes. 

So sometimes habits can be exciting after all. 

Motivation and Habit

I once found an incredible tumblr that slapped trite and stereotypical fitness motivational phrases on top of pictures of people drinking.  It was pretty hilarious.   But in spite of the fact that it was meant to poke fun at the fitness motivational phrases themselves, one of them actually stuck with me and I'm still thinking of it many weeks later.

Ready for it?

Here it is.

This phrase would be annoying as hell if it were pasted over some stock photo of a person jogging.  Notice how the whisky instantly elevates it.  Click on the link above for more of these gems.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, and about motivation and habit.  

At the beginning of this blog, I felt an almost "other-worldly" force inside of me, willing me forward to do this.   It was like having a manic urge to succeed.   It was like crack.  I couldn't wait for my next weigh in. I couldn't wait to write my next pithy blog post.  I couldn't wait.   It was exciting.



I think that what I was actually experiencing was "motivation."  I was taken over by something bigger than me and that's what gave me the initial boost to get off the couch and start making a change.

But eventually that fire faded.  I guess it always does. And then "habit" gradually takes over.

I've been diligent about going to the gym and (with the exception of this past weekend) I've been very good about adhering to my new lifestyle.  I don't do it because it's fun.  I just do it because it's "what I do."  And I suppose that's a good thing because it should yield results. Predictably. Slowly.  But results nonetheless.

But you know what "habit" isn't?  Exciting.    There's nothing at all exciting about "habit."




I keep telling myself: focus on The Big Carrot!  That's your motivation!    But even The Big Carrot, while definitely helping me stick with the program, cannot compare with the feeling I had at the beginning of this---with the "motivation phase."

The motivation phase of this lifestyle change seems to have run its course.

Sometimes I think the motivation phase is really just the "denial" phase of the lifestyle change.  Like....at the beginning I was doing things that were so out of character (working out?  not eating pizza all the time?!) that I could still envision a "some day" when this "weight loss thing" would be over when I'd get to go "back to normal" and enjoy ALL the foods again and not have to spend time working out......but magically be skinny and hot while doing it.

But then after doing this long enough.......I realize that this is the new normal...or at least it has to be if I want this to work.  Unless I want to be unhealthy and slide right back to where I was, there will never be a time when I can just eat whatever the hell I want and not go to the gym.   This is a lifestyle change.  A new way of doing everything. And there's no end in sight.

I think I understand now why most "diets" fail and most dieters regain all their weight.....to have life-long success, you have do this long enough for motivation (aka: denial) to die and for habit to set in...and it takes a really long time for something to become a legitimate habit.  

I am going to define "habit" as not simply doing something over and over again, but as doing something over and over again so many times, that any hope or glimmer you've ever had of things getting "back to normal" has completely died out because the habit is what's normal now.

I don't think I am completely there yet, but I do think I am getting close.   Sometimes, in my weakest moments, I envision a time when I don't have to budget at least an hour a day to work out and when I won't have to worry about calories.  I feel like for this to truly become a habit, those thoughts have to be completely gone.

So I'm somewhere between motivation and habit right now....and leaning more towards habit.  I know this because at this point this has become less and less about "getting a trip to New York" and more and more about "how do I make sure that this is a permanent change?"

I am trying to think of the best way to get over this less-than-exciting hump....and more importantly how to keep my posts interesting.  It's not easy coming up with material for this stage of the process because so much of what I am doing now is just the day to day drudgery of trying to make this a habit.

Motivation is flashy and lends itself to shiny gifs and instant gratification like on the Biggest Loser.

Habit is the boringest of all boring things in the world.   Thanks for sticking with me through it.