And the figuarive "other shoe" inevitably drops...

So after last week's amazing weight shedding feats, I started to get worried that the pace was unsustainable and "this was all happening too soon!"   Where were all the set backs?  And the hard knocks?  And the upward fluctuations I was supposed to learn from?!  It was too quick; I hadn't suffered enough yet!!!

Well. 

Consider that all ancient history. Allow me to present The Foot-In-Mouth Progress Tracker:

 

 

Just look at it!! You can practically HEAR the record-skipping sound effect that should inevitably accompany this garbage dump of a graphically represented situation!!!

 

All that stuff I said about wanting to take it slow and have a lifestyle change and not slip into the yo-yo dieting mindset.....I take it all back!   I want instant results and I wanna look hot, damnit!  Diet gods, you are hereby on notice: I am no longer going to cockily beg you to just "Take it down a notch."  I'll take ANYTHING you've got!

 

Alright, now that is out of my system, let's analyze what we have here.  We appear to have a chart showing a current weight of 156.2....it's been that way for two days now, or technically three.   On Monday, I got really excited to see a low point of 155.6, but before I could snap a photo, the number disappeared and when I jumped back on the scale to recapture the magic, the number bounced up to 156.2.   This means one of several things: 1) My body has single handedly disproven Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation, 2) The Universe is "Out to Get Me," or 3) I have a crappy scale.   Gonna put my money on the crappy scale.    As much as I love My Fitness Pal, it won't let me edit the weights that I have inputted, so the low point of 155.6 remains even though I don't actually believe that was accurate.

 

Anyway. I am going to keep doing what I'm doing; I've been great about my diets and I've even braved the 20 flights of stairs at work once!   If nothing changes by Thursday, I'll reevaluate. 

 

But for now, I'll just enjoy a big ole slice of Humble Pie and think twice about ever questioning the diet gods' ways again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Oy-Oy Plan

So yesterday, I weighed in at 157.8 pounds and I was absolutely thrilled.  I couldn't wait to blog about it from the office, but apparently my bosses actually do expect me to work while I am there, so my grand plans of blogging had to be postponed until this morning.

I woke up nervous about this morning's weigh in.  After all, this is the first weekly weigh-in and as I learned the last time around, unexplained, upward fluctuations can--and do--happen.   And while they might just be flukes, they still wield incredible psychological power and can be very discouraging.  I coached myself through today's weigh in: "Even if it goes back up, that doesn't mean that this hasn't been a successful week."

I took a deep breath (and then I let it out; air has mass, after all).  I stepped on the scale. It was the moment of truth.

I was not prepared for what I saw:

Week 1:  5.2 pounds lost

This diet is out of control!!   While I am very encouraged to see progress each day, I am getting a little concerned about the pace at which I am losing this weight.

Having gone from 123 to 161.8 in just over a year, I am incredibly cognizant of falling into the "Yo-Yo Trap."  (For those unfamiliar with the term Yo-Yo dieting, just think of Oprah).  

I am also aware that weight loss at this pace is simply unsustainable, and I am fairly certain that there are a crap load of studies showing that the faster the weight comes off, the more likely that it will not stay off.

So with that I mind, I decided that I've got to craft a plan to keep this weight loss journey from becoming just one "Walk the Dog" in a lifetime of Yo-Yo dieting.

"Walk the Dog is only the world's most famous Yo-Yo trick, bro."

 Accordingly, allow me to introduce what I now officially dub the opposite of Yo-Yo Dieting:

The Multifaceted Oy-Oy Plan. 

Facet 1: Short-Term Enjoyability

• If I have any hope in hell of making this a "lifestyle change" it's got to be enjoyable.  With that in mind, I decided that I am not going to completely cut alcohol and going out to eat.  Cutting those things would simply not be sustainable.  Living without wine and waiters....well, I am pretty sure there are entire civilizations that have died from that.    That is why I have been allowing myself 1-2 glasses of wine each night.  It's also why I forced myself to go out to eat for dinner the other day.  I wanted to decline and stay home with my "safe" foods,   but it seems like that's just asking to Yo-Yo right back to where I am once the whole "staying in" thing gets old. 

Facet 2:  Longer-Term Goals

• In my first post, I set a goal for myself: get to 130 pounds by Christmas.   I still want to strive for this goal because I think it's ambitious enough that it will be a meaningful weight loss, but it's close enough that doesn't seem out of reach.   However, if I want to avoid being back to where I am by Easter, I need a plan for beyond Christmas.  
• First,  I'd like to be 120 pounds by Easter.   I am choosing that number and date for a couple reasons.  Easter is March 31, 2013.  Which, essentially, gives me 3 months to lose 10 pounds between Christmas and then.  I am purposely choosing a much slower weight loss pace for this stage of the journey because I want to allow myself plenty of wiggle room to enjoy Mardi Gras and the peak of football season.  I also think it would be good to transition from aggressive weight loss into "maintenance." 
• Second, I'd like to remain between 115 and 120 pounds indefinitely.  I am not sure how maintenance works, but I am sure I'll figure it out.  That's a long ways away though. For now, I will begin to brainstorm some sort of awesome treat that I can give myself if I maintain the weight for a given period of time.  I am thinking "trip to Europe" right now, but I am open to suggestions.

Here's hoping for continued success at a sustainable rate! Oy oy! 

Fattle Wounds

Good morning all!   First the good news:




Forgive the sidewaysness.  I haven't quite gotten the hang of doing this from my work PC.

Woo hoooo!!    Three pounds in three days!!   Truly an unsustainable pace for weight loss, but you gotta love those first couple days on a diet where your body is adjusting to not being stuffed to the brim with malted hops and cheese fries (read: you drop a couple pounds practically without even trying).  In any event, I'll take the "W" and declare a sucessful beginning to my march towards holiday sveltness.

This 3 pound step-in-the-right-direction was simply the result of eating 1200 calories a day since Sunday when I had my wake-up call (more on that later).  I regretfully haven't mustered the courage to do the Shred yet.   I did, however, show up at my building today with Lucy and Ricky, completely ready to climb the 20 flights of stairs to my office.   Upon arriving, I learned that the stairs are locked and access is blocked to most people in the building unless there's a fire or some other emergency.  Boo.

Anywho, onto today's post topic:  FATTLE WOUNDS.     Now, I know that in my last post, I said that I would never look back and reflect on why I gained so much weight.  Too pointless.  However, in the last couple of days I have done a lot of reflecting on why I finally decided that NOW was the time to make a change.    I mean, last time the motivation was obvious: I was getting married and there was no way in hell I wanted to walk down the aisle without feeling my best.

This time, there was no huge, built-in goal forcing my hand.  There was really nothing to stop me from just continuing on at a pleasantly plump 161.8 pounds.  Why make the change?

Well, it all boiled down to what I am going to lovingly refer to as Fattle Wounds: body changes and/or injuries relating to my current weight that, frankly, I'd rather never see happen again.

I've boiled them down into the following list.  Warning: some of these Fattle Wounds are accompanied by pictures that are not the prettiest to look at.

1)  Stretch Marks.

These are probably the most obvious Fattle Wounds on the list. Anyone who has ever gotten pregnant, had a growth spurt, gone through puberty or gained weight at some point in their lives has probably had a little experience with stretch marks....and so had I, even before recently.   However, these stretch marks are particularly troublesome because they turned this angry shade of red and look like angry wolves or vicious attack kittens have had their way with my hips.  Not fun. 

2) Thigh Chafing

Don't worry; even I am not going to subject my poor readers to a photo of this.   But I will say one of my biggest wake up calls was just after Hurricane Isaac when I went down to the French Quarter for Southern Decadence.  After about 45 minutes of walking around in the heat and humidity taking in the sights, I began to notice an unfamiliar sensation between my legs---and it was definitely not the same sensation that Traffic Tranny was feeling between hers at the sight of so many half-dressed young gay men.   It was pain. Straight-up pain.

Traffic Tranny

 Upon further examination, I realized that because I had gained so much weight, my thighs were rubbing together and creating a very unpleasant experience.  I thought I'd be clever, so I Googled "How to Stop Thigh Chafing."  Every single websites' first suggestion: lose weight. 

At this point I was feeling pretty low and I think I was almost at the breaking point and ready to consider a change.  But it wasn't enough.   I still thought I could blame this Fattle Wound on the heat or humidity so typical in New Orleans in August.

No, it wasn't until the next Fattle Wound that I finally said, "Enough."

3) Second-Degree Cheese Burn

What you're looking at above, my friends, is a nickle-sized second degree burn that I sustained at the Melting Pot on Saturday night.   Yes, my love of food had actually reached the point where it is injuring me. 

 For those unfamiliar with the Melting Pot, it is a fondue restaurant where you melt various things (cheeses, chocolates, etc.) and dip other things (bread, veggies, cheesecake, etc.) into it.  In my zeal to be the first to dig into the cheesy, melty, goodness of the Wisconsin Trio, I actually suffered a second-degree burn when a huge glob of cheese landed on my chest.  I wanted food so badly that I couldn't even be bothered to blow on the scalding cheese skewer before moving it towards my anxious little mouth.  This Fattle Wound was the result of unfettered gluttony, pure and simple.

So when I woke up the next day, I really started to take stock of my life.   What would my next Fattle Wound be?

"1 Flight of Stairs Asthma Attack?" 

"That's Where My Diabetic Foot Used To Be Ankle Stub?"

"Angry Scar From Getting My Stomach Stapled?"

I mean, sure, I might be getting a little ahead of myself.  But the thought scared me.  How much would I put my body through before deciding enough was enough?  

That's when I decided to go buy a new scale, hit the grocery store for healthy foods, and get back into the blogging.  

And here we are. 

Tomorrow, I confront building management about letting me use the stairs to get to the office.  I figure the 20+ flights hike every morning is a good enough routine to get into.   Wish me luck!

I'm Gonna Tell You a Number.....

Hello Loyal Readers (and any New Followers who may be just now tuning in)! 

Has it really been this long?  Since I last blogged, I've graduated from law school, gotten married (the dress looked great!) and begun the daily grind of being an adult with a desk job. On paper, it's looking like I've really got my life figured out.  On the scale.....well, that's another story.

It is with a heavy heart (among other things), that I return to the Interwebz seeking the support of friends and strangers as I embark upon yet another weight-loss adventure.

I am going to tell you a number.    It's a number that shocks my conscience, rattles my scale, and--despite my best attempts at humor--really isn't funny at all.

161.

Well, actually, 161.8.

No, that's not a hip new radio station.  It's my current weight. 

Just admitting that number on this blog is actually really difficult. Embarrassing. And given the extremely public nature of my Countdown to the Gown blog, I feel like now I'm forced to eat my words...and I'll be honest, of all the (clearly numerous and fattening) things I've eaten lately, the words are definitely the most bitter.

How could this have happened?  How?!?   I was doing so good!  I had a terrific pair of athletic shoes, a loyal blog following, a vast assortment of healthy power foods that I had actually learned to enjoy, I got down to a svelte 123 pounds for my wedding day.....what happened?!?

I'll give the abbreviated version: got married, stopped trying to actively lose weight, failed utterly at "maintaining" the weight loss, got a job where I sit still all day, started eating a bunch of rubbish during my lunch hour, got caught up in my work and stopped making health a priority.   In essence, I turned into one of the millions of Americans who struggle with their weight and regain weight after a successful diet.

I could go on for days and days about these failures, but I won't.    Why?  Because that would be pointless.  There no sense in basking in the shame of these mistakes because it won't do anything to fix them.   It would be looking backwards, but where I need to be looking is ahead.

Today I begin again.  Today 1200 calories a day becomes a mandate--not a suggestion.  Today, I revisit my long-lost nemesis, Jillian Michaels.  Today I start making myself a priority again.

And this is my solemn vow:  By Christmas, I will be back to a reasonable weight of 130.  That's 15 weeks at 2 pounds of weight loss each week.  I'll track my progress on this blog--preferably every 3 days--as I move forward.  

Forward, ho (ho, ho)!

Thank you for following me in this journey. It means more than you can ever know.   I am a firm believer that the only thing stronger than fear is hope.    And the only thing stronger than hope is the fear of public humiliation. 

Keep me accountable, folks!!  Wish me luck!