Old McDonald's Got Some Flak...

Eee-Ay-Eee-Ay -O.

That's right!  I hereby dedicate today's post to the most ubiquitous of American dining establishments: The Fast Food Joint.

But before completely delving into this morning's post topic, let's get the part where I update everyone on my progress out of the way:

*Insert Trumpet Flare*

Yay!!  152.6!  I am so close to reaching the 10-pounds-lost benchmark that I can practically taste it!  I can already start to see the results on my body and definitely can feel the results in my clothing.  The jeans that I haven't been able to wear since March?  They fit!   The skirts I wear to work used to ride up around my waist, but they are now riding much lower on my hips.  Shirts and dresses that I couldn't button or zip a few months ago are starting to fit again.  I forgot how much I love this part of losing weight; it's like going shopping every couple weeks except without spending money. Double win.

I couldn't be happier with this morning's weigh-in (particularly since the last few days have all been 153.8 without any movement; I was starting to worry about having another Half-Hanukkah on my hands).

What I am perhaps even more pleased about than my progress so far is the way that I've still been able to go out to eat.  Like, all the time.

Now that I am a working girl, I have very little time to go grocery shopping and prepare foods at home.  I also go out to eat with my Work Besties every day--it's our one solid hour of respite from the incredibly hectic world of being plaintiff attorneys.  It's crucial that if this is going to be a lifestyle change that I still be able to go out to eat for lunch and do little-to-no cooking at home in the evenings.

But I've quickly learned that it's a lot harder to eat healthy and track calories when I'm eating at restaurants constantly.  I never know if that steamed broccoli I order on the side of my chicken is going to come out dribbling in butter, or if my salad's dressing contains more oil that the Gulf of Mexico post-BP, or how much mayo is in the "spicy" part of the spicy tuna roll, or if the the waiter thinks I am jackass for ordering the salad "with no bacon, and the dressing on the side, and the cheese on the side, and no croutons, etc. etc. etc."

I'm managing it.   But it's hard.

Do you know what's not hard?  Tracking calories and losing weight while eating at fast food establishments. 

Fast food is awesome.   Just about every single place posts their nutritional information so there's no guesswork. And just about every single place has literally dozens of combinations of menu items that make a very tasty and very calorically friendly meal.

Now, I am going to stop short of saying that fast food is "healthy."  It's probably not.  Or maybe it is.  Really, I don't care.  I never promised anyone that my weight loss journey was about being healthy.  This is vanity, pure and simple.   Anyone who is even slightly familiar with this blog knows that.   Let's face it: I advocated drunkenness and dehydration as a way to break a diet plateau--that's not healthy.

As an experiment, I decided to see what kinds of delicious fast food combinations I could make while staying under 500 calories.

I'd like to say right off the bat that it is incredibly difficult to find as-is menu items at sit-down restaurants for under 500 calories; they almost all require significant modification (dressing on the side, no cheese, etc. etc.)  This makes waiters hate you. And makes your dining companions realize you're a psycho control freak.   Meanwhile at fast food places, I can just order items exactly the way they come (or with a normal modification--"I said plain cheeseburger! plain!") and stay well within the 500 calories allotted.

Taco Bell:
One soft chicken taco, one soft beef taco, and an order of Mexican rice: 490 calories.
Steak gordita supreme and black beans and rice: 470 calories.
Doritos Loco taco and Double Decker Taco: 490 calories

I'll just stop now. There are literally dozens and dozens of options at the TB that fit the bill.  They even have a "fresco" menu for the severely diet-conscious, but I don't like my TB watered down.

Wendys:
Junior Cheeseburger and Apple Slices: 330
Ultimate Chicken Grill and Apple Slices: 430
Spicy Chicken Go Wrap and Apple Slices: 380
Small Chili, Small Fry, Side of Shredded Cheese: 510 (alright, not technically 500 or under, but I triple-dog-dare you to find chili cheese fries anywhere for only 510 calories).

I must say though, Wendy's has plenty of solitary items under 500, but it's pretty difficult to have more than 1 thing and stay within the limit...unless you get apple slices. But, I'm sorry, at a fast food place, who actually wants apple slices??

Arbys:
Turkey Classic and Jr. Roast Beef (two sandwiches!!): 500
Jr. Roast Beef and 2 Potato Cakes: 440
Jr. Roast Beef and Children's Curly Fries: 450
Jr. Roast Beef and 2 Piece Chicken Tenders: 440

Be not afraid of the children's options at Arby's; they allow for plenty of mix-and-matching.   There are also lots of adult options under 500, but again, you'd only get 1 thing...unless you want apple slices (Arby's has 'em too).  Fuck apple slices.

I'll stop now because I am running out of time (and I am sure I'll do a Fast Food Part II post later).  But see my point?  Fast food gets a lot of flak and a lot of blame for America's weight problem.  But it's actually a lot easier to "think thin" (I won't say "be healthy") at fast food places than at just about any sit-down restaurant, ever. 

By the way, in case anyone was curious, every one of these fast-food combinations falls well under the calorie limits imposed on school lunches under the new federal guidelines.  And I bet kids would actually eat this stuff.


 

Lesson Learned: Cheating Pays

Holy cow.

So last time I posted, I broke The 156.2 Half-Hanukkah by overly indulging in birthday vino.  This caused me to become dehydrated and ultimately weigh-in at 154.8.

I began mentally preparing myself for the inevitable fallout. I even prepared to re-enter the Half-Hanukkah.  Who knew, maybe I would just stay at 156.2 forever and ever and I'd have to donate my body to science to figure out what made me such a special snowflake.  They'd do studies on me.  They might even name some sort of syndrome after me.

In any event, I steadied my nerves and prepared to be disappointed because, well, I cheated. And cheating rarely works. 

Except when it does.

Mwahhahahahaha!  A completely hydrated 153.8.

This has got to be how shoplifters feel when they get away with stealing a M.A.C. lipgloss or something.  The exhilaration that comes from doing something so, so wrong, but suffering no consequences--shit, even benefitting from it--is pretty awesome.

But I got to thinking about it--and, yes, this is the part where I start to justify the cheating to myself--and I remembered that this is supposed to be a lifestyle change, right?   Well, if that's the case, then there are definitely going to be special occasions where imbibing will inevitably happen.  And at least now I know that those nights won't completely derail my weight loss (and, eventually, weight maintenance). 

And that's pretty cool.  Amiright?!

It's the Anatomy, Stupid.

Okay.  So I realize that yesterday I might have been just a touch hysterical about what I am going to forever refer to as The 156.2 Half-Hanukkah (where the weight that was supposed to last for just 1 night lasted for four whole nights!). 

A Festival of Weights.  (And, yes, I am positively basking in my own cleverness right now).

Anyway, after I stepped away from the keyboard, I calmed down and realized that if I ever wanted to get out of The 156.2 Half-Hanukkah, I was going to need to get clever.   And in honor of Election Season, I decided to approach my weight loss scheme like the candidates would.

I began to think about what I've done so far: to wit, picking a reasonable number of calories to eat per day, keeping track of everything I ate, and commiting to never deviate from the plan.  I promised change!  I was playing by the rules. But it wasn't working.  Otherwise how the hell do you explain the Miracle of The 156.2 Half-Hanukkah? 

I was literally doing everything that I could to deliver the change that I had promised.  But it appeared that the Republicans in Congress my scale was stonewalling my every effort.

Steadfastness, rigor, and will-power had failed me.  Sure, those things are all well and good, and they might even be effective.  But I was courting the wrong voting bloc.

It was time to change plans.  It was time to try a new strategy.  It was time to go after a new demographic. 

It was time.....to cheat.



Scale: You have been bested by the Miracle of Dehydration

And it worked!

What could possibly cause such a fantastic end to the 156.2 Half-Hanukkah? Should I share the secret to this completely fabricated success?

Wine. 

Lots. And. Lots. Of wine.

Now before you go off thinking that I've used tax shelters and overseas bank accounts to avoid paying a huge portion of my tax burden I have some sort of drinking problem, yesterday was my birthday.  So in honor of the anniversary of my entrance into this world,  I decided to let myself indulge in as much wine as I wanted--calories bedamned.

I am sure I'll be paying for it tomorrow.  

I am sure that my Foot-In-Mouth-Weight-Tracker is going to look like the heart monitor of someone who just Coded. 

But I don't care.

For today anyway, I bested the scale and ended The 156.2 Half-Hanukkah.

Change is good.  Now, moving Forward.

Defying Gravity. And Thermodynamics. And Reason.

Well, it's official.  I am an enigma.  An exception to the rules. A super special snowflake.  My body defies gravity. And thermodynamics. And reason.

My Inner-Elphaba says: F*(&$ YOU, Gravity!!

Day 4 at 156.2 pounds.  What the hell?!

I thought that after three solid days with no scale-ular movement (and, I might add, with completely steadfast adherence to my diet plan), I was surely going to see SOMETHING good today.  Whether it be a pleasantly-surprising 1 pounder or even just a "hey, I'll take it" 0.2 pounder, I thought that this HAS to be the day that 156.2 becomes ancient history.

No such luck.

How is this even possible?  Seriously.  I have experienced fluctuations. I've experienced stagnation. But over half a week with no movement at all?!?  AT ALL!? 

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out the cause, but there's NO REASON.   Sodium intake?  Stable.  Alcohol intake? Stable.   So this can't be water-retention-trickery....

I became convinced that the scale was broken. Either its fancy gravity mechanism wasn't properly registering my weight or maybe the screen was broken and its pixels were stuck in a permanent 156.2 formation.  I moved the scale around the room to try it on different surfaces. I even purposely put it on sections of the floor that I know are unlevel after Hurricane Isaac.  Still 156.2.

I even woke up the husband at 6:00 AM and insisted that he try out the scale.   I was convinced--CONVINCED--that he was also going to weight 156.2.  He initially refused to cooperate. He said I was being unreasonable.  Instead of taking no for an answer, I begged and started making an irritating high-pitched "Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!" sound.  To get me to stop whining he begrudgingly weighed himself.  When the scale registered him at good 20 pounds heavier than me, I was satisfied that the scale was functioning properly, but disappointed that the problem appears to be with me....not with the hardware.

Ugh.   This is so frustrating. 

My rational side keeps saying, "Hang in there!! You're still way ahead of your target because last week was so good!  You'll have a nice big drop soon enough, I know it!"

But unfortuntately, until something breaks this 156.2 streak, my body will continue to defy gravity. And thermodynamics. And reason.  

And the figuarive "other shoe" inevitably drops...

So after last week's amazing weight shedding feats, I started to get worried that the pace was unsustainable and "this was all happening too soon!"   Where were all the set backs?  And the hard knocks?  And the upward fluctuations I was supposed to learn from?!  It was too quick; I hadn't suffered enough yet!!!

Well. 

Consider that all ancient history. Allow me to present The Foot-In-Mouth Progress Tracker:

 

 

Just look at it!! You can practically HEAR the record-skipping sound effect that should inevitably accompany this garbage dump of a graphically represented situation!!!

 

All that stuff I said about wanting to take it slow and have a lifestyle change and not slip into the yo-yo dieting mindset.....I take it all back!   I want instant results and I wanna look hot, damnit!  Diet gods, you are hereby on notice: I am no longer going to cockily beg you to just "Take it down a notch."  I'll take ANYTHING you've got!

 

Alright, now that is out of my system, let's analyze what we have here.  We appear to have a chart showing a current weight of 156.2....it's been that way for two days now, or technically three.   On Monday, I got really excited to see a low point of 155.6, but before I could snap a photo, the number disappeared and when I jumped back on the scale to recapture the magic, the number bounced up to 156.2.   This means one of several things: 1) My body has single handedly disproven Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation, 2) The Universe is "Out to Get Me," or 3) I have a crappy scale.   Gonna put my money on the crappy scale.    As much as I love My Fitness Pal, it won't let me edit the weights that I have inputted, so the low point of 155.6 remains even though I don't actually believe that was accurate.

 

Anyway. I am going to keep doing what I'm doing; I've been great about my diets and I've even braved the 20 flights of stairs at work once!   If nothing changes by Thursday, I'll reevaluate. 

 

But for now, I'll just enjoy a big ole slice of Humble Pie and think twice about ever questioning the diet gods' ways again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Oy-Oy Plan

So yesterday, I weighed in at 157.8 pounds and I was absolutely thrilled.  I couldn't wait to blog about it from the office, but apparently my bosses actually do expect me to work while I am there, so my grand plans of blogging had to be postponed until this morning.

I woke up nervous about this morning's weigh in.  After all, this is the first weekly weigh-in and as I learned the last time around, unexplained, upward fluctuations can--and do--happen.   And while they might just be flukes, they still wield incredible psychological power and can be very discouraging.  I coached myself through today's weigh in: "Even if it goes back up, that doesn't mean that this hasn't been a successful week."

I took a deep breath (and then I let it out; air has mass, after all).  I stepped on the scale. It was the moment of truth.

I was not prepared for what I saw:

Week 1:  5.2 pounds lost

This diet is out of control!!   While I am very encouraged to see progress each day, I am getting a little concerned about the pace at which I am losing this weight.

Having gone from 123 to 161.8 in just over a year, I am incredibly cognizant of falling into the "Yo-Yo Trap."  (For those unfamiliar with the term Yo-Yo dieting, just think of Oprah).  

I am also aware that weight loss at this pace is simply unsustainable, and I am fairly certain that there are a crap load of studies showing that the faster the weight comes off, the more likely that it will not stay off.

So with that I mind, I decided that I've got to craft a plan to keep this weight loss journey from becoming just one "Walk the Dog" in a lifetime of Yo-Yo dieting.

"Walk the Dog is only the world's most famous Yo-Yo trick, bro."

 Accordingly, allow me to introduce what I now officially dub the opposite of Yo-Yo Dieting:

The Multifaceted Oy-Oy Plan. 

Facet 1: Short-Term Enjoyability

• If I have any hope in hell of making this a "lifestyle change" it's got to be enjoyable.  With that in mind, I decided that I am not going to completely cut alcohol and going out to eat.  Cutting those things would simply not be sustainable.  Living without wine and waiters....well, I am pretty sure there are entire civilizations that have died from that.    That is why I have been allowing myself 1-2 glasses of wine each night.  It's also why I forced myself to go out to eat for dinner the other day.  I wanted to decline and stay home with my "safe" foods,   but it seems like that's just asking to Yo-Yo right back to where I am once the whole "staying in" thing gets old. 

Facet 2:  Longer-Term Goals

• In my first post, I set a goal for myself: get to 130 pounds by Christmas.   I still want to strive for this goal because I think it's ambitious enough that it will be a meaningful weight loss, but it's close enough that doesn't seem out of reach.   However, if I want to avoid being back to where I am by Easter, I need a plan for beyond Christmas.  
• First,  I'd like to be 120 pounds by Easter.   I am choosing that number and date for a couple reasons.  Easter is March 31, 2013.  Which, essentially, gives me 3 months to lose 10 pounds between Christmas and then.  I am purposely choosing a much slower weight loss pace for this stage of the journey because I want to allow myself plenty of wiggle room to enjoy Mardi Gras and the peak of football season.  I also think it would be good to transition from aggressive weight loss into "maintenance." 
• Second, I'd like to remain between 115 and 120 pounds indefinitely.  I am not sure how maintenance works, but I am sure I'll figure it out.  That's a long ways away though. For now, I will begin to brainstorm some sort of awesome treat that I can give myself if I maintain the weight for a given period of time.  I am thinking "trip to Europe" right now, but I am open to suggestions.

Here's hoping for continued success at a sustainable rate! Oy oy! 

Fattle Wounds

Good morning all!   First the good news:




Forgive the sidewaysness.  I haven't quite gotten the hang of doing this from my work PC.

Woo hoooo!!    Three pounds in three days!!   Truly an unsustainable pace for weight loss, but you gotta love those first couple days on a diet where your body is adjusting to not being stuffed to the brim with malted hops and cheese fries (read: you drop a couple pounds practically without even trying).  In any event, I'll take the "W" and declare a sucessful beginning to my march towards holiday sveltness.

This 3 pound step-in-the-right-direction was simply the result of eating 1200 calories a day since Sunday when I had my wake-up call (more on that later).  I regretfully haven't mustered the courage to do the Shred yet.   I did, however, show up at my building today with Lucy and Ricky, completely ready to climb the 20 flights of stairs to my office.   Upon arriving, I learned that the stairs are locked and access is blocked to most people in the building unless there's a fire or some other emergency.  Boo.

Anywho, onto today's post topic:  FATTLE WOUNDS.     Now, I know that in my last post, I said that I would never look back and reflect on why I gained so much weight.  Too pointless.  However, in the last couple of days I have done a lot of reflecting on why I finally decided that NOW was the time to make a change.    I mean, last time the motivation was obvious: I was getting married and there was no way in hell I wanted to walk down the aisle without feeling my best.

This time, there was no huge, built-in goal forcing my hand.  There was really nothing to stop me from just continuing on at a pleasantly plump 161.8 pounds.  Why make the change?

Well, it all boiled down to what I am going to lovingly refer to as Fattle Wounds: body changes and/or injuries relating to my current weight that, frankly, I'd rather never see happen again.

I've boiled them down into the following list.  Warning: some of these Fattle Wounds are accompanied by pictures that are not the prettiest to look at.

1)  Stretch Marks.

These are probably the most obvious Fattle Wounds on the list. Anyone who has ever gotten pregnant, had a growth spurt, gone through puberty or gained weight at some point in their lives has probably had a little experience with stretch marks....and so had I, even before recently.   However, these stretch marks are particularly troublesome because they turned this angry shade of red and look like angry wolves or vicious attack kittens have had their way with my hips.  Not fun. 

2) Thigh Chafing

Don't worry; even I am not going to subject my poor readers to a photo of this.   But I will say one of my biggest wake up calls was just after Hurricane Isaac when I went down to the French Quarter for Southern Decadence.  After about 45 minutes of walking around in the heat and humidity taking in the sights, I began to notice an unfamiliar sensation between my legs---and it was definitely not the same sensation that Traffic Tranny was feeling between hers at the sight of so many half-dressed young gay men.   It was pain. Straight-up pain.

Traffic Tranny

 Upon further examination, I realized that because I had gained so much weight, my thighs were rubbing together and creating a very unpleasant experience.  I thought I'd be clever, so I Googled "How to Stop Thigh Chafing."  Every single websites' first suggestion: lose weight. 

At this point I was feeling pretty low and I think I was almost at the breaking point and ready to consider a change.  But it wasn't enough.   I still thought I could blame this Fattle Wound on the heat or humidity so typical in New Orleans in August.

No, it wasn't until the next Fattle Wound that I finally said, "Enough."

3) Second-Degree Cheese Burn

What you're looking at above, my friends, is a nickle-sized second degree burn that I sustained at the Melting Pot on Saturday night.   Yes, my love of food had actually reached the point where it is injuring me. 

 For those unfamiliar with the Melting Pot, it is a fondue restaurant where you melt various things (cheeses, chocolates, etc.) and dip other things (bread, veggies, cheesecake, etc.) into it.  In my zeal to be the first to dig into the cheesy, melty, goodness of the Wisconsin Trio, I actually suffered a second-degree burn when a huge glob of cheese landed on my chest.  I wanted food so badly that I couldn't even be bothered to blow on the scalding cheese skewer before moving it towards my anxious little mouth.  This Fattle Wound was the result of unfettered gluttony, pure and simple.

So when I woke up the next day, I really started to take stock of my life.   What would my next Fattle Wound be?

"1 Flight of Stairs Asthma Attack?" 

"That's Where My Diabetic Foot Used To Be Ankle Stub?"

"Angry Scar From Getting My Stomach Stapled?"

I mean, sure, I might be getting a little ahead of myself.  But the thought scared me.  How much would I put my body through before deciding enough was enough?  

That's when I decided to go buy a new scale, hit the grocery store for healthy foods, and get back into the blogging.  

And here we are. 

Tomorrow, I confront building management about letting me use the stairs to get to the office.  I figure the 20+ flights hike every morning is a good enough routine to get into.   Wish me luck!