So I settled down to read it.
What I did not expect, was to be reading an article that should have been entitled, "14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control, Chunky Blogger."
People have called me a perfectionist before and I've never believed them. And to be fair, some of the items on the list definitely do not apply to me....for instance:
Number 12. You take pleasure in someone else’s failure, even though it has nothing to do with you.
I mean, come on, what kind of sick son of a bitch actually takes pleasure in other people's fai....
....oh wait a second....let's rewind about 4 paragraphs:
"The article, entitled "14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control," seemed like an interesting enough read.....I mean, who doesn't like reading about people whose lives have gotten out of control?"
Heh. Heh. Heh.... Ahem. Seriously though, many items did not apply. Apparently some weird sub-species of perfectionists actually think if they look, act, and appear perfect that people will like them.....something about low self esteem and social "maladaption." That didn't resonate with me. But some stuff really did.
Some items on the list were so spot-on that I couldn't believe it.
Like this one:
Number 7. There's no use crying over spilled milk....but you do it anyway.
"Whether it's burning the cookies or being five minutes late for a meeting, the perfection-seeking tend to obsess over every little mistake. This can add up to a whole lot of meltdowns, existential crises, and grown-up temper tantrums. When your main focus is on failure and you're driven by the desire to avoid it at all costs, even the smallest failure is evidence for a grand thesis of personal failure."
The well-balanced readers of this blog might be thinking, "What sort of self-respecting adult throws an actual temper tantrum?" Well, as it turns out, perfectionists do. One time, in my last semester of law school, I left an exam convinced that I had failed it. I was so distraught that I puked in the bushes outside the law school after the test and sobbed like a baby the rest of the day. I even researched whether the bar association would let me sit for the bar if I was taking a summer school course to make up for the inevitable "F" I had just earned.
I got an A minus.
And then there's this one:
Number 11. The image below makes you nervous.
Uh, duh! OF COURSE that makes me nervous. Wouldn't that make anyone nervous!!?!?!!? Who on earth would want to be average?!
I mean, it would be one thing if just below "Poor" there was another box that said, like, "Really, Really Bad" and then at least "Average" would just be middle of the pack.....but it's in the bottom!
But perhaps the item that rings the most true for me (and the only one that really pertains to this blog) is this one:
Number 5. You go big or go home
"Many perfectionists struggle with black-and-white thinking -- you're a success one moment and a failure the next, based on your lastest accomplishment or failure -- and they do things in extremes...For perfectionists, life is an all or nothing game. When a perfectionist sets her mind to something, her powerful drive and ambition can lead her to stop at nothing to accomplish that goal."This is literally so spot-on I can't even express it. It definitely explains why I can completely kill this weight-loss thing when I've set my mind to it, but the slightest set back leaves me thinking, "Screw this! I've already messed up once....may as well just give up."
It is that exact mentality that I need to overcome if I want this to be a lifelong lifestyle change and not just "that time I was really strict for 3 months and lost 20 pounds."
I think acknowledging it is the first step.
Sigh.
I am a perfectionist.
And then the next step is to figure out some way around it. And that's where I am stumped.
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